The Winter Olympics have inspired us all to go bigger, faster, badder.
Admit it — you divvied your weekend between throwing down tricks at A51 and watching the Olympics in a Red Bull haze.
As long as the economy is in the crapper, you might as well follow that wacky dream of being the Shaun White of 2014, parading your gold medal around Sochi’s bar scene all night, making Meredith Vieira blush during your “Today” show appearance that morning.
You must dominate your sport to make it to the Games, so keep living in a half pipe on weekends — but let’s talk media coverage. That’s how you get free Red Bull; sponsors like press.
Here’s how to beef up your Olympic story now so the media won’t be able to resist it in 2014.
1 Injure yourself
The fact that the whole world knows Lindsey Vonn was putting cheese on her bruised shin proves it — injury makes a good story. But don’t knowingly huck an ACL-tearing cliff. Go for a mild injury you can fix with cheese and come back from (see No. 4).
2 Be the only
If you haven’t chosen a sport yet, think Jamaican bobsleigh team and choose something that doesn’t fit your age, body type, blood type, family history, color palette or Boulder. (Hint: no bobsleigh tracks nearby…)
3 Build character
Apolo Ohno’s dad dropped him into solitary in a remote cabin for eight days after the 1998 Olympic trials — great story! Get a parent, friend, or someone who feigns concern to give you a motivating experience. After telling stories about grandma dumping you at Berthoud Pass at midnight with one ski and no boots, your missing toe will become endearing. You’ll be showing it to Bob Costas on live television.
4 Come back
You’ll be a media darling if you come back from injury and land on the medal podium. But if you’re coming back from making an ass of yourself (think: Bode Miller), you’ll have to win three medals to redeem yourself — so prepare to man-up at the games if you’re prone to public displays of jackassery on the Hill after the bars close.
5 Have ‘personality’
If you have personality, you don’t need those character-building experiences. Don’t have one of your own? Adopt a persona: Bode Miller is 32 and will have to retire eventually, so bad-boy-anarchist might be up for grabs by 2014.